Quickie: Max Gentlemen

[IamLEAM1983]

I think I found Archie's game of choice.

It's a game where you put hats on. Top hats, ideally. Porkpies or Panamas also work. Or fezzes, if you're a Whovian as of the Matt Smith era. But mostly top hats. The thing is, you're stacking them one on top of the other either while driving your motorcar around the English countryside and avoiding birds, or you're doing the same while avoiding flying projectiles in a rowdy pub where a couple gents are busy beating the piss out of one another in the most British way possible.

Clone Tom Hardy as of The Dark Knight Rises or Bronson a couple dozen times, wax those mustaches and shine those bald pates, outfit them in really bold Victorian sailor's tattoos and classy jodhpurs, and make them spout “I say!” or “Have at thee!”, and you'll get a sense of the atmosphere. Oh, and don't forget that Player piano music, too.

Since you're stacking hats for no reason, it'd be reasonable to assume that something increases when you do that. Your gentlemanliness is what increases, and your aim is to become gentlemanly as fuck. Even the token female player character, Penny Farthing, is rather happy to rip out her period-appropriate constricting gown to reveal the kind of musculature that would've caused a couple monocle drops and a few hundred apoplexies, back then. Let's just say female Crossfit wasn't exactly en vogue, as of 1885...

In other words, it's an arcade game, there's no limits on the number of hats you can stack, but it'll get harder and harder the better you're doing. So stack those hats and post your final score on Twitter or Facebook. That's it.

I never did, but I did change the default player's name to Archibald. By Jove, Archie would say, I'll stack those hats as no man has ever stacked head coverings before, or since! MALE HABERDASHERY, HO!”

Or female haberdashery, too – since a little work lets you unlock wide-brimmed hats that probably went well with period sundresses. Sophia with one summer hat on would be pretty cute – but Sophia with a stack of fifteen hats on, held in perilous balance?

That'd be pretty silly.

I mean, look at that title screen. Rockin' that monocle and that gibus, there, Max! I mean – um, those gibuses... What's that on your chest? “Cultured 4 Life”?

…

Okay, I died. The idea of an English gent using gangsta slang in a sailor's tat just killed me. I'm rolling on the floor, right now.

God, I needed that.